Why 'noodle dramas' like The Guest are just as enjoyable as 'caviar dramas' like Slow Horses

Sometimes you want caviar, sometimes you want Koka noodles. In television drama terms, caviar is Succession, The White Lotus, Slow Horses, Severance, The Gilded Age. You have to sit up straight and pay attention, put on the subtitles in case you miss a plot point and share your theories online, culminating in a huge cultural moment and Emmys galore. 

The rest of it is Koka noodles – a low-effort, half-digested affair best enjoyed privately. This kind of drama includes Harlan Coben adaptations, family sagas starring Nicole Kidman or anything with Suranne Jones in it. No real concentration is required, so you can go on your phone and just use the recaps to catch up.

Nobody admits it, but noodle drama is secretly even more enjoyable than caviar drama, and most of us are sitting at home quietly mainlining preposterously tasty trashiness and having the time of our lives. 

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Anyway, if like me, you are a connoisseur of this kind of televisual feast, may I suggest a delightful, moreish and completely ridiculous morsel: The Guest.  

The Guest is a glossy Welsh thriller about a lady of the manor who appoints a penniless young cleaner, thus precipitating a web of lies. It hits its marks like Richard Burton downing shots at the Miner’s Arms. A disempowered yet smart servant girl with a troubled home life? BAM! A manipulative, mysterious woman with an absent husband and a glamorous wardrobe? BAM! The potboiler starter pack of secrets, including extra-marital affairs, an ominous black cat, a spooky gardener and an unknown lodger? BAM BAM BAM BAM!  

The cleaner, Ria (played by Gabrielle Creevy, who manages to find depth in a puddle) lives/squats in a council flat with dopey long-term boyfriend Lee. His only job is playing FIFA with the curtains closed and she is dissatisfied. After being undercut by a fellow cleaner, Ria is stealing from the supermarket food bank basket when she’s spotted by rich interior designer Fran (Eve Myles).

Fran herself has taken two peaches out of a pack of four and weighed them separately, so we know she is morally dubious and possibly has a dark past. Or maybe she just wanted two peaches.  

Anyway, Fran needs a housekeeper for her web of lies, I mean, house of lies. And before you know it, Ria is part of the furniture, along with a freestanding bath that appears so often you just know there’ll be a dead body in it by episode two.   

The drama that plays out under the watchful eye of Ria’s Henrietta the Hoover is gobsmacking to say the least. I suspended so much disbelief that I was practically hanging from the light fitting in Fran’s sweeping hallway, which, coincidentally, comes into its own in a rather spectacular way later on.  

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It wasn’t just the little things – like Fran’s uncanny ability to order fresh sushi for lunch despite living in rural Wales, or the hilariously large necklace that she bestows on Ria which makes her look like the mayor of Trumpton. It was also Derek the panto gardener, who whispered “Get out of here while you can”, the twitching curtain in the annex (Miss Haversham? The last cleaner?) and the fact that Fran allows Ria to look after her massive country pile on her own after she’s worked there for a week.

“Don’t have any wild parties,” she says, before leaving her in charge of two million quid’s worth of high-end soft furnishings and ominous secrets.  

This all leaves us with many unanswered questions. Will Ria turn into Dire Ria as soon as her back’s turned? Is Fran testing her? And why is Derek acting like someone from Scooby Doo?      

I’m sure we’re going to find out, because The Guest is outrageously camp, despite being played straight.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the writers are taking the piss, because the first episode has such a shocking and (possibly unintentionally) hilarious conclusion that I screamed and laughed for about 10 minutes straight.  

Honestly, put the kettle on, because this is tasty, salty noodle drama at its finest. I cannot WAIT to devour the rest.

The Guest is on BBC iPlayer.

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