Breaking my legs in a horror car crash left me toxically optimistic – here's what that means

Toxically optimistic is my motto. I am always going to try my best to find the good, to look for the hope, to seek the proverbial silver lining in every situation. Isn’t it better to see the glass as half full versus half empty?” “Ooh, I have something” literally feels way better in the body than, “Ugh, I have nothing.” I sometimes tell a joke, in an attempt to illustrate how far I’m willing to go with my toxic optimism, that goes like this: 

“I’m always looking for the good in a situation. I don’t care how bad it is. I can get into a bad car accident – lip swollen from a discharged airbag, sprained shin and weeks of migraines from a slight concussion, and I’ll think, “Whew this is bad… but they must’ve been raping where I was going and god knows I don’t want rape, so he sent a 92 Toyota Corolla to save me.” 

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Obviously there’s a trigger word in there so it’s a hit or miss depending on the audience, but pretty clear nonetheless. I’ve realised, in a time where political leadership is corrupt and essentially for sale to the highest bidder, people can’t make a living wage, discrimination and prejudice is emboldened, natural resources are exploited and lands are stolen – a great deal of empathy has to be accessed for a person to be optimistic.

Instead of getting on stage and saying, “My president is crazy, so I’m doing yoga”, my show journeys through experiences like me being against guns but still trying to be a ‘good’ gun owner and deciding my encounter with a wild animal doesn’t have to end with one of us dying. The irony is I believe this toxic optimism started after I survived a really bad car accident. 

While in high school, visiting a friend after my mother explicitly told me to “bring my behind home” I was struck by an intoxicated driver. According to my friend who was driving, “The car just shut off.” Of course me being a kid from New York City and accepting very early in life that I’ll probably never need to learn how to drive, didn’t pay enough attention while in any car to know when and why this particular car “just shut off” on us.

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But it was indeed off so I got out of the car and with the help of another friend started pushing it to a nearby gas station. I remember joking and laughing about messing up my brand-new sneakers and being amazed at how easy it was to push a car in neutral… then I woke up in an ambulance covered in my own blood and forever changed. 

This is a good time for what we like to call in comedy a callback. “Welp, they must’ve been raping where I was going!” I didn’t have the sense of humour then that I have now or at least I wasn’t bold enough to express it, but two very specific things happened as a result of this tragedy.

After waking up in a hospital with two broken legs, muscle damage, skin grafting and limited mobility in some areas, I thought there’s no way this can get any worse, I was made aware that my friend, the other girl pushing the back of the car with me, had to get her leg amputated. That was worse. 

As I recovered I wondered what that drunk driver took from me. What future had he robbed me of? Then I had this crazy thought – how could I be so sure that what was taken from me would’ve been better than what I am living now. Instead, I started saying what did he save me from? What do I have versus what did I lose felt better in my body. 

My show Toxically Optimistic isn’t passive or delusional. It’s me intentionally choosing to recognise there’s water, even if only a sip, in my half-full glass. And if there’s at least a sip of water in my half-full glass, then there must be a sip of water in everyone’s half-full glass. This glass metaphor has gotten out of control but my point is, through my personal and specific experiences my hope is to encourage everyone to acknowledge the sip!

Toxically Optimistic is at the Pleasance Courtyard until 24 August.

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