Cynthia Erivo: 'The moment I came out as queer, that's when everything made sense'

Cynthia Erivo has soared to unprecedented heights. Wicked was one of the biggest and most talked about films of recent years, with Erivo’s central role as Elphaba – the conflicted green-skinned witch of the west – winning wild acclaim and an Oscar nomination (the third of her career to date). The second part, due this November, promises to confirm Erivo as one of our brightest stars for good.

Elphaba is the ultimate outsider – defiant, determined, passionate. Erivo shares these qualities. At 16, her life was upended when her father disowned her and her sister, telling them he wanted nothing to do with them as they stood at an underground station. That moment came with consequences that Erivo didn’t recognise at the time. As she explains in her Letter to My Younger Self, she felt lost and angry, but all the more determined to succeed. 

Five years old, nativity play. I was a shepherd and they asked me to sing “Silent Night”. So I did. When you’re five, everyone’s shy. But I was not. That’s probably why they asked me to sing. I felt really good because I saw people smiling. I remember that. My five-year-old self was like, ‘Oh, if people are smiling and clapping, that’s a good thing, so I want to keep doing that.’

Now it’s become a little bit more complex, because it’s not necessarily just about making people happy, it’s about connecting. While I’m singing I want to connect people to my humanity and I want to be able to connect to their humanity. That could be anything from tears or laughter, whatever that is, I want to connect. 

As a teenager, I was ambitious, determined and probably a little angry, depending on where in my teenagehood. At 16, the first part of that year was fine and then the latter part, where I’d been through this stuff with my dad, I don’t think she realised how much anger she had in her because she was still trying to get things done. That’s how the anger channelled itself, being determined to succeed, go to where she needs to go to.  

I definitely would be like, ‘You OK?’ I think my younger self was a tiny bit lost. I didn’t know where to begin when it came to being an actor, wanting to perform. I knew I wanted to do it, I just didn’t know how I was going to. I would do talent shows and every Thursday when school was done I would go to an open mic night at a place called Troy Bar and I’d just sing. Usually R&B. I loved Brandy, sometimes little gospel songs or Musiq Soulchild, India.Arie, occasionally one or two Aretha Franklin songs. 

I never saw myself as a popular kid. I wasn’t unpopular, I was sort of Switzerland. I remember wanting to make sure that everyone felt welcome around me. No one was not good enough for me to be friends with. ‘You want to be friends? Let’s be friends’. 

I was not good at having fun. I’m having more fun in my 30s than I did when I was in my teens. I’m like Benjamin Button. Yes, I’ve matured but I’ve aged backwards in that sense. I was not the traditional teenager out all the time. Part of me wishes I would have been a bit riskier and snuck out a couple of times, gone to a club or something. There’s value in discovering what the outside world is like for yourself, in being unsure about what you’re doing but still going with it. I might tell my younger self, go have fun, be a teenager. Enjoy yourself, because work will start and you have more time to do it now than you will later. 

I was raised Roman Catholic so I have a belief in God. I don’t necessarily think that’s tied to religion, it’s tied to my faith that there is something bigger than me. But sometimes I feel like I have a different understanding of what that is supposed to be. There are definitely people who have a stricter understanding of what faith is, but when it becomes that strict, it’s less about the faith and more about the rules of religion, which are mostly made up by people. What I do know is that I love the way I wish to be loved. I try to treat people the way I wish to be treated – whether I’m successful about that, who knows, that would be up to other people to say. I think we’re made in His image, and that we have the potential to be good to one another if we let ourselves embrace that. 

It would be hard not to believe because of all the things I’ve experienced. Some of them are damn near miracles. I mean, my whole entire life, the fact that I’m sitting here talking to you about an album I’ve managed to write and make after the insane year I’ve had, when I was this kid from Stockwell. To go from that to opening the Oscars, nominated for the third time, is nuts. The thing that makes them miracles is that one day you were dreaming about it and then one day you’re in it. The things you dreamt about – and the things you didn’t dare to dream – happen. It feels very surreal.

Read more:

• Cynthia Erivo on identity, migrant crisis and what she’s learned playing Elphaba in Wicked
• Wicked: The musical reimagining of The Wizard of Oz shows a way to reclaim the American dream
• Jeff Goldblum: ‘The universe is a wondrous, mysterious place – appreciate it’

If I said to my 16-year-old self, ‘Just so you know, at some point you’re going to do a movie [Harriet] and you’re [also] going to play Aretha Franklin, and then you’re gonna play a character called Elphaba. She’s green, and it’s a musical. You might not know the music right now, but you will. Harriet is going to get you two Oscar nominations, Aretha is going to get you an Emmy nomination and Elphaba is going to get you another Oscar nomination. Oh and at this point, you will have made an album and have travelled the whole world too.’ I think Cynthia would be like, ‘I could get with that.’ 

Knowing Cynthia as a 16-year-old, her question would be, ‘How?’ Is there anything I need to know about the how of getting there? And I would say there are loads of answers to that question and you should learn the ‘how’ so it doesn’t spoil it when you get there. Shortcuts wouldn’t work because my journey was the way it was because I needed to learn some things. I think each journey is exactly what it’s supposed to be for the person, depending on what the person needs. 

The new album is called I Forgive You. Part of that is forgiving yourself. Staying in relationships way too long, knowing it was not good. Being mad at myself when I’ve been in relationships that have gone badly and not recognising certain behaviours like either physical or verbal abuse. The way I’ve treated other people. I’ve tried to have integrity, but sometimes when I’ve dealt with friends or relationships I’ve not been the best version of myself. Those are things I try and forgive. The pressure I put on myself to do well out of anger needs a little forgiveness too, because even if that has gotten me where I am, it doesn’t sustain. 

At 16, I would say what you’re feeling is not in your imagination. You do like girls, but you also like boys too, and that’s OK. All your feelings are valid. That confusion you’re feeling, it’s fine. I wish there was someone I could have talked to. Later on, I started to realise that I’m queer but I never talked about it to anyone until I was in my 20s. Maybe that’s why I would ask my younger self if she’s all right, if she had anyone to talk to. See if you can find someone. The moment I came out, I was like, ’Ah, that’s what it’s like when it’s quiet. That’s what it’s like when everything makes sense, not hiding any more.’ 

My younger self would like the idea of being famous but it’s less interesting to her than being successful. I wanted to do well. I wanted to be able to sing songs, act on TV and film or on stage and pay for a house. 

I would not like to be a teenager today, not at all. With social media you’re always on show and we expect perfection from people who are still trying to figure things out. A teenager is still trying to learn what and who they are, so to expect them to know immediately and be perfect in all their pictures is unfair. We’re also teaching teenagers who are being treated that way, that that’s what you should expect of other people, which is just toxic. 

I would say to my younger self, you’re going to end up with a lot of eyes on you, and there’s nothing you can really do about that. So keep good people around you. Trying to make sure everybody is happy all the time and likes you all the time will get tiring after a while. You cannot please everyone. You can only be yourself. 

Bit by bit, I’ve become more and more myself. That started 15 years ago. I would wear different colours in my hair, pink and green and blue, trying to figure out who I wanted to be, knowing that I was a little bit different and leaning into that as much as I could. Each year, I’ve gotten closer and closer and now I feel like I’m there. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep growing, but I feel like I’ve been trying to catch up with myself for a long time and I’ve kind of landed.

I Forgive You by Cynthia Erivo is out now on Island Records.

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