The worst train company of the week is a close-run contest

Before leaving the station, the announcements on a train warning you of how many ways you will be fined, mocked or made to buy another full-price ticket get longer and longer, as the service gets worse and worse – and more and more expensive.

Ten minutes of every permutation of how you will be fleeced further is then followed by an apology that the train is cancelled due to a fault with the doors or delayed due to an unattended plimsoll being found in the buffet car. 

There was stiff competition for worst train company last week. 

Great Western Railway was its usual mix of delays and overcrowding, though at least this time I wasn’t also being dripped on by the loose tubing of the air-con which appeared to be offering a weekend upgrade to Legionnaires’ disease (Salisbury to Southampton – a two-carriage train, dangerously overcrowded). 

The train from Newbury to Westbury used to be 10 carriages, but this created a problem of roominess and comfort, so it has been reduced to five. As I’m a daily user of train lines, the overcrowding came as no surprise, but the occasional rail user was up in arms. How could it be that the seat reservation system was not working and they had to stand in the vestibule? 

Because this is Britain and this is what happens when people with the psychology of a wartime profiteering grocer are in charge. To cope with my annoyance in such situations, I try to be helpful and jolly. I help people on and off with their luggage, find them seats should such a thing exist, and be friendly to their dogs. It does not go unnoticed by the train manager, who offers me a coffee.

Those having to deal with the fury of customers are not those who have created this situation. I usually try and weave in a little Marxism when talking to irate passengers, just in case they have fallen into the mistaken presumption that it is the immigrants destroying our nation rather than the skullduggery of the greedy who lounge on yachts while pointing fingers at small boats.

Read more:

• Rail company sparks outrage over ‘profiteering’ charge for water in London station: ‘Total disgrace’
• ‘Privatisation has failed’ – will rail nationalisation make a difference? Yes, but not on its own
• How broken is the UK’s public transport? I spent all day on buses to find out

There were others in the running, but London Northwestern Railway knew their competition was hot this week and pulled out all the stops to ensure they were abysmal. Wednesday was a simple journey: 57 minutes, Rugby to Berkhamsted. At Rugby, the 22:46 was delayed by 45 minutes, then travelled at sickly mule speed to Northampton where we were told all interim stops between Northampton and London were cancelled.

A man from Leighton Buzzard was irate. It was explained that he could just take the train all the way to Euston and they’d stop in Leighton Buzzard on the way back, making his 25-minute journey three hours, 25 minutes. 

Life is not a rehearsal, it is a delay due to points failure. We were told we could seek help from station staff, but there were no station staff. I am a middle-aged fellow with some disposable income; I had choices. But what about those with chronic illness, or young women who would now have to walk home in the dead of night? 

Eventually, I got a taxi. The driver fell asleep a few times as we drove down the M1, so the weaving added
a little adrenaline to keep me awake.  

I had breakfast with Michael Palin the other week. Honestly, I’m not just namedropping, there is a point to this.

I said, “Michael, I’m 56, I was told I would get more right-wing with age, but I’m more Marxist every day.”

He replied, “Wait till you get to my age, I’m Ho Chi Minh.”

Robin Ince is a comedian, poet and broadcaster.

Normally Weird and Weirdly Normal: My Adventures in Neurodiversity by Robin Ince is out on 1 May (Macmillan, £20).

You can buy it from the Big Issue shop on bookshop.org, which helps to support Big Issue and independent bookshops.

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