Martin Flaherty, Trinity Leeds

Photo: Exposure Photo Agency

I’ve been selling Big Issue since October last year. I escaped a very toxic relationship – mental abuse. You hear about blokes doing all this to women. Unfortunately, this was the other way around. It was best we separated. I got into supported living, but down to trauma bonding I ended up back with my partner. But then she died. It was like part of me was relieved because my abuser can no longer hurt me, but at the same time I was absolutely devastated, because I really did love her so much.

My brother was also murdered by one of his friends. He was apparently in a sexual relationship with his friend’s mother, and the next thing we know he has 87 injuries to his head and neck alone. I couldn’t even recognise him when I went to see the body.

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I was really depressed. My partner had alienated me from society and everyone I knew for the best part of 14 years, and I knew that I couldn’t stay like that.

I thought, I’m not doing nothing. I’m incapable of working full time, but I needed to break this cycle; I needed to go out and meet people, build back my confidence. I had turned into a recluse and everything was deteriorating even further. I’d seen Big Issue vendors before in the past, so I rang up Big Issue Leeds and got an appointment.

For me it’s not about wealth, the financial side of it. It was just about doing something and building my confidence and everything. And it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I go to talking therapies and I said to my therapist, “Doing Big Issue has been amazing; it’s completely changed my life around.”

I went from being a hermit, so depressed, and being on the brink of – well, doing the unimaginable. Now I’m happy – really happy. I’m back to being the happy person I once was, really confident, all thanks to Big Issue. I’m back in supporting housing now, and that’s down to Big Issue. Things have vastly improved. 

Sometimes, it’s not the looks I get off people; it’s that some people can be so, so ignorant. I always speak to people with courtesy, respect and dignity. But sometimes people just look at you and don’t even say a word. That’s what I struggle with. We all know what’s going on in the world. I’ll always say something positive – “Have a nice day,” you know, “Enjoy the afternoon,” whatever. It’s not meant to be sarcastic – I mean it in a nice way. I try to keep positive.

There are a lot of misconceptions about vendors. Don’t get me wrong, years ago – I’ve looked at a Big Issue vendor and I’ve thought it’s for drugs and alcohol. Some people say that to me – “Oh, well, is this for alcohol or drugs or whatever?” I say, “No, it’s to help me pay my bills and give something back or pay it forward.” Food banks and street kitchens always helped me out, so I don’t forget. Those people are in the same position I was, and now I can give them something back.

I’m an ex-soldier. I’m very proud of my duty, and that soldier in there is refusing to give up on the battle, on this fight. I have to be strong for my family, but people have actually said, “You always keep a smile on your face and are a bit of a cheeky chappy! You are an inspiration.” It’s nice hearing that.

I think to myself, well, I’m doing something right here. I’m raising awareness. And as Andy’s Man Club says, it’s OK to talk.

Interview: Brontë Schiltz

TRINITY LEEDS CENTRE, Trinity Street, Leeds, UK