It’s been a year to forget for many of our politicians. Happily, BBC Radio 5 Live presenter Matt Chorley has drawn up an exclusive gift guide for the naughty, nice, or just plain hopeless this Christmas
Keir Starmer
A box of Christmas crackers. It will be nice for something to go with a bang. And he can tell a joke which doesn’t involve the words “14 years”. Just think of the gifts! A shoehorn to force “renewal” awkwardly into every sentence. Tweezers for removing splinters from all that fence-sitting. Nail clippers, which will be useful for nibbling away at the welfare bill without anyone noticing. A magnifying glass to admire Labour’s poll rating. A miniature screwdriver, just like dad used to make. A flimsy ruler, because desperate times call for desperate measures. And a flappy plastic fish to help predict what the future might hold. Actually, let’s forget that one.
Rachel Reeves
A telescope. Given her astronomical maths, she clearly has reason to look to the heavens. Not since Stephen Hawking’s seminal work in 1974 has there been so much talk about how a blackhole can disappear. I feel slightly responsible. It was back on 10 November that I interviewed the chancellor in No 11, and she told me she was having to break her manifesto commitment not to increase income tax rates to avoid cutting infrastructure spending, neither of which ended up happening. She also revealed she likes running to take her mind off the job, so maybe a set of noise-cancelling headphones so she isn’t distracted on her jog by cheers and applause from well-wishers. Reeves told me she listens to Raye, creator of the greatest pop song this year: “Where Is My Husband!”. Although in the chancellor’s case, the answer to the question “where is my husband” is “busy rechecking emails from Southwark council’s rental licences department”.
Get the latest news and insight into how the Big Issue magazine is made by signing up for the Inside Big Issue newsletter
Kemi Badenoch
A Christmas hot chocolate. Maybe a flavoured one. Mint? Chocolate? Gingerbread? I just think she should try something new. In April, she told me she has four sugars in her coffee. Four. That’s mad. She’s like a builder who comes round, and makes all sorts of promises about what they’re going to do but fails to put together a coherent quote and disappears. When I saw her again at an event in November she came into the room with a coffee. (A Conservative-branded cup. It’s someone’s job to carry a load of old Tory mugs. Actually, that’s Badenoch’s job isn’t it?). Anyway, she came in, put her mug down, rummaged in her handbag to retrieve a box of sweeteners and added one. Then another. And another. And another. And another. And another. Six in all. “I have to cut down on the sugar,” she said. “I need to look after my health.” I still can’t help thinking that if you need SIX sweeteners to drink a cup of coffee, maybe coffee isn’t for you. But then they do say you should have a hot sweet drink if you’ve had a shock. And she can read the polls.
Nigel Farage
A photo album. Look, I get it. Time passes. You forget things. But sometimes it’s nice to sit back in a big armchair, maybe a glass of your favourite tipple on an occasional table, and flick through the pages of your past. Take a trip down memory lane. To remind yourself that when your friends are going around saying “most people in the senior leadership team have never heard of the guy” who took £40,000 in pro-Russia bribes, actually you can sit and go through all of the many, many photos you had taken with Nathan Gill, a man you once described as “hard-working, honest, and loyal”.
