Judgement kills: Why we must end the stigma against women experiencing abuse

The idea that a woman can ‘just leave’ an abusive partner is, sadly, still something that causes great shame and stigma in society today. Women don’t choose to enter into abusive relationships, and they certainly don’t stay out of choice. Yet all too often, women experiencing domestic abuse are blamed for circumstances beyond their control – circumstances that are created by the perpetrator – and this significantly affects their future safety and recovery.

Another issue that women shoulder the burden of blame for when already experiencing domestic abuse is comorbid substance use. Within our services at Phoenix Futures, we know that a large percentage (65%) of women entering residential rehab also report experiencing domestic abuse and, of these women, 57% also have parental responsibility. This demonstrates a clear overlap between domestic abuse and drug and alcohol use, which can be driven by many complex factors but which will almost certainly include a need to self-medicate to cope with the ongoing trauma. 

And just as we still hear society uttering the words ‘why can’t she just leave him’ we also still hear the words ‘why can’t she just stop drinking/using’. This is an incredibly naive and oversimplified view of the extreme trauma and overbearing responsibility that women – especially mothers – all too often face in these situations.

Read more:

• The hidden homelessness crisis is fuelled by the scourge of domestic abuse
• Dispersed accommodation is the future for helping domestic abuse survivors escape homelessness
• There’s a looming crisis for trans and non-binary survivors of domestic abuse

If we’re not living through this kind of trauma ourselves, we (and by ‘we’ I mean both the general public and some social care and health professionals) might assume that women are choosing to ‘let him in’ or ‘choosing alcohol over their children’. But imagine a situation where a woman has seen the danger she faces if she doesn’t go along with her controlling partner’s demands. She might feel that opening the door to him is the only way to keep her and her children safe in that moment. Feeling traumatised and suicidal, she might feel that using drugs or alcohol is the only way to keep herself going – for her and her children. These are not choices. They are coping mechanisms.

Mothers are particularly demonised when it comes to their own and their children’s safety, often more so than the partner causing the harm. As a mother, they are considered the responsible one, something that was explored in the new TV drama series All Her Fault – when a mother and father spoke at a press conference about their missing child, and all questions (and assumptions of responsibility) were directed towards the mother. Even in 2025, this inequitable perception is sadly still a reality.

In cases of abuse, therefore, we are placing the highest expectations on some of our most vulnerable people – how can that be right?

In order for women to get help and find safety for themselves and their children, they need to trust the people and services they reach out to. If they feel stigmatised, they may not seek help in the first place for fear of being separated from their children or, worse still (and particularly in the case of mothers with drug and alcohol problems), for the care of their children to be handed to the abusive partner (this is something that was addressed in the foreword to last month’s independent report from the domestic abuse commissioner).

But we know that recovery and family support work best when women are empowered, not penalised – and when they are able to remain with their children. There are services specifically designed for this kind of care. At Phoenix Futures, we have several residential family services that support women and their children to recover as a family.

Such services keep women safe while giving them the help they need to work on their substance use and mental health problems, while simultaneously providing parental skills support (if appropriate) as well as child development opportunities and Ofsted-registered nursery care. These residential services, which include Sheffield Family Service and Ophelia House in England, and Harper House in Scotland, provide safe, trauma-responsive, psychologically informed and non-judgmental spaces for women and their children.

However, funding for these models is complex and needs to be simplified so that more services can be delivered – currently we don’t have nearly enough beds or accessible referral pathways.

Stigma isn’t just about how you are judged by your neighbour. It affects how services are designed and how funding is allocated. If we start to reduce stigma at the point of access, removing barriers to care, families will thrive. But it needs to start with each one of us. We need to stop judgmental thinking and start showing more compassion and empathy.

We can’t truly know what any one woman’s situation is like unless we were to walk in her shoes. If we can’t imagine swapping places with somebody, we shouldn’t hold opinions on what they are doing wrong. But we can hold out a hand – whether that be as a friend or neighbour, or a professional campaigning for funding and new ways to offer support.

There are solutions out there to help our most vulnerable women and children, but we must pull together to make them a reality.

Rachael Clegg is head of residentials (women and families) for Phoenix Futures.

Do you have a story to tell or opinions to share about this? Get in touch and tell us more.

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