A German teen drama makes Sam Delaney nostalgic for dodgy deals of his youth

Getting drugs online (fast) is all very well, but don't kids these days realise it should be all about the jeopardy?

How To Sell Drugs Online (Fast) is a coming-of-age teen drama from Germany, of all places. Like most people of my generation, I like my coming-of-age teen dramas to be set in American high schools where jocks perform wedgies on nerds and the freaks smoke reefers underneath the bleachers. Preferably written and directed by John Hughes. But times change, I suppose. Weird Science and The Breakfast Club were set against the backdrop of Reagan’s optimistic America, where the kids of rich Wasp parents in the Illinois suburbs worried about nothing more than how to get their hands on some fake ID in order to purchase the Friday night keg. In real life, those Eighties teens are probably miserable fat grown-ups now, hooked on opioids, having had their house repossessed during the credit crunch. They voted for Trump in 2016 and have every intention of doing the same next time around. They look back on their own teenage cynicism about their parents’ capitalistic indulgences and weep. “Where’s our country club membership and Cadillac?” they think. “Fuck the system! Drain the swamp! Make America great again! FUCKIN’ A!”

Anyway, back to Germany where the social, political and economic landscape is not quite such a shit show (yet). How To Sell Drugs Online (Fast) is the story of Moritz, a nerdy teenager who gets dumped by his girlfriend because he is so nerdy. When she stars dating the school drug dealer, Moritz decides to win her back by setting up his own online ecstasy shop. Once he’s rich and has easy access to disco pills, he figures she’ll come running back into his arms. It’s sort of like Weird Science meets Breaking Bad. I was fascinated by the way Mortiz turns his geeky IT skills into drug profiteering by setting up shop on the dark net. The processes he uses are shown in such detail that I imagine I can’t have been the only viewer to think, “This looks like a piece of piss, maybe I’ll set up a drug shop too!”

Yep, back in my day buying drugs was almost as fun as taking them

Mind you, there is a flaw in the business model. Buying drugs is easy and relatively risk-free, yes. But half the fun of buying drugs is the risk and adventure involved. Mini cabs into the depths of dangerous estates in the dead of night. Weird conversations with bouncers in Frankfurt strip clubs. A terrifying ride through New York City with a Hispanic gentleman called Pablo who wears a bandana on his head and keeps reaching under his seat to fondle his pistol whenever you stop at a red light. Yep, back in my day buying drugs was almost as fun as taking them. Clicking a mouse then waiting for the postman to turn up just doesn’t compare. I’m glad I don’t take drugs any more, they made me feel shit in the end. I just wish I could still buy them once in a while.

How To Sell Drugs Online (Fast) is on Netflix