As children return to school with a lunchbox full of hand sanitiser sandwiches, this feels like a good time to impart some important knowledge. So today’s lesson will be about my favourite reality show Selling Sunset. Please sit down in your designated seat, take copious notes and I’ll begin.
01. It’s a TV show about an estate agency
Selling Sunset is the wholesome tale of West Hollywood real estate company Oppenheim, which is run by two tiny bald twin brothers called Jason and the other guy whose name I can never remember. They only seem to employ ultra-glam women with high heels, tiny dogs and attitude problems. I wonder why? Oh wait – it’s because hot women sell hot property – the kind of property that costs $50m and has astroturf golf courses on the roof. Basically, it’s like Location, Location, Location, but tedious Tory bulldozer Kirstie Allsopp has been replaced with six botoxed glamazons and Phil has been chopped in half.
02. The main ‘character’ is called Chrishell
No, she’s not off-brand toilet paper – Chrishell is our heroine, a burnished, caramel-haired angel on this Earth who just wants to sell houses and get rich. No wonder – Chrishell literally grew up in hell, born into trailer-park poverty and always labelled the smelly kid at school. Now she’s just trying to get ahead, godammit. Get this woman a six-figure commission and all the salad she wants, I don’t care if she’s actually quite annoying!
03. The outfits are incredible
Do you remember the movie Showgirls? Well, transplant those hardcore hustlers to the Hollywood equivalent of Rightmove and you’re halfway there. Oppenheim’s brokers live in a perpetual netherworld of body con, daytime PVC and skyscraping heels that require shares in Compeed. Not even a building site can dim their towering glamour.
04. Christine is the true hero
You will immediately spot Christine, because she’s either dressed as Jessica Rabbit or Vogue-era Madonna, has velvet skin that can only be achieved with injectables and is always “speaking her mind” (ie: being an almighty pain in the arse). Yet she is fascinating. Good at her job. Flawless. Heartless. Fierce. On Judgement Day, Christine will be the sole survivor, standing atop the burning pyre of humanity, filing her nails and hailing an Uber that will never come.
05. The houses are damned
The dazzling, empty Hollywood mansions they sell are truly compelling. Each pool, open-plan living area and dodgy looking glass-fronted balcony screams murder/suicide, scandal, loneliness and despair. All yours for
06. You need to watch it
Selling Sunset has inspired me to live my best life, despite the fact that I’m wearing joggy bottoms and am unable to go anywhere or do anything. Your homework is to watch it and forget all about 2020. I promise you, you’ll be sold.
Selling Sunset is on Netflix