What did you have for breakfast?
It was very dull. I had granola with milk, that’s all.
I’ve never seen anyone prepare breakfast on MasterChef. Is it an overlooked meal?
It’s a very functional meal. The secret is in the name: you’re breaking the fast, simply giving yourself something after the longest gap without eating in your daily routine.
What is a day tasting food on MasterChef like?
You don’t do breakfast and you don’t plan to do dinner, for a start. We’re there at the table for about four or five hours. You need to pace yourself. We only taste the dishes – unless they’re bloody good, in which case we can’t help ourselves and finish them.
It seems like either the best job in the world or the worst.
Well, probably not the worst. But it’s not really about the food – it’s television. People cook some stuff and nobody dies. I’m aware that whatever I say better be phrased in a way that makes the cut, otherwise I’m spending hours sitting there and none of me will turn up on screen – and I don’t want that to happen.
There are currently around 1,450 Big Issue sellers working hard on the streets each week.
Are you secretly delighted when the food stinks, as it gives you something to say?
People don’t really believe me but I’m not secretly thrilled.
You’re openly thrilled?
It’s not about thrill – I get angry. Savagely negative reviews are driven by anger more than anything else: “How bloody dare they!” I publish 50 reviews a year and I counted last year that 25 were positive, 14 or 15 were middling – only nine were negative.
How many of those nine are still operating?
We’re the doctor diagnosing the disease; bad restaurants fail all by themselves.
What’s the reaction of staff when you walk into a restaurant? Are a lot of plates dropped?
They can sometimes be clumsy, doing things like sending out dishes I didn’t order, which I send back. They say: “The chef wants you to try this.” I chose from his menu – either it is good or it isn’t. The stupidest one was a restaurant that sent out a bigger portion to me than anyone else. How stupid do you think I am?
Do restaurants know you’re coming?
The first you’ll know is when I walk up to the door, scratch my head and try to remember which pseudonym I booked under. My anonymity was blown years ago – within six months my photograph was on the walls of restaurants. I do think it’s remarkable the number of bad experiences I have, given the impact this lack of anonymity is supposed to have had. I should probably get over myself, but there you are.
Britain was never renowned for its food culture but has that changed over recent years?
You mustn’t overstate it. A lot of Britain is still very poor when it comes to eating out. It’s an uncompleted revolution, which is great because it means there is more to happen.
Are you good at taking criticism yourself?
Probably. It helps. The classic criticism of me is someone calling me a snob. Yeah, I’m a restaurant critic, that’s what we are. We’re driven by snobbery. If someone wants to call me pompous or condescending, they can go right ahead.
Jay Rayner is touring his spoken word show My Dining Hell across the UK. Follow @jayrayner1 for dates