The British people are currently in peril. Drowning in bills, strikes and a general breakdown in public services, it’s unclear how a lot of us will make it through the next year in one piece. But nay fear! Rishi Sunak, official man of the people and working class hero – well, not working class – has the answer.
Taking a break from huffing nitrous oxide behind the bins at Number 10, Sunak announced a ground-breaking new policy at PMQs this week: as part of a “reimagination of numeracy”, all school children will now continue to learn “some form of maths” past GCSE all through A-Level.
“Letting our children into the world without those skills is letting our children down,” said Sunak, with all the worldly awareness of a former hedge fund manager.
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Thanks in part to his many hours transcending class by cosplaying as a working man, Sunak’s firm, calloused grip on the national pulse remains as strong as ever. He knows that the answer to a besieged Britain doesn’t lie with a cap on energy prices, or increased investment in the public sector: it lies with advanced geometry. Indeed, if I’ve learned anything from the last few years, it’s that the NHS would be in a better state if I’d just measured more triangles between the ages of 16 and 18.
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With unprecedented levels of selective memory, the government justified their announcement today with some pretty shocking statistics regarding the UK’s numerical literacy. As well as noting that around eight million English adults have primary school level numeracy skills, they even acknowledged that 60 per cent of disadvantaged students finish their GCSEs without basic maths skills. Sunak is yet to acknowledge the austerity that causes said disadvantage, but to be fair, he’s probably busy with his Diana-level outreach, asking homeless people if they work in business.