This is what happens when crime and thriller authors get together

Crime authors can be a solitary lot, hiding away like hedgehogs, plotting murder and mayhem in the shadows. So when they get together and drink is taken, it can get a little crazy. (Though some crime writers have crazy as a daily diet. Check out TM Payne’s Instagram feed for her ongoing adventures with tongs.)  

The best place to witness crime authors blowing off steam, dishing the dirt, pulling back the curtain on their craft and being deliciously indiscreet is the one-day Chiltern Kills crime and thriller writing festival. It takes place on Saturday 4 October at the historic Colston Hall in Gerrards Cross – just 20 minutes from London Marylebone. Authors confirmed to appear include bestsellers like Lisa Jewell, Claire Douglas, Robert ‘Death in Paradise’ Thorogood, Janice Hallett, John Niven and Fiona Cummins. 

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There can be quite a bit of snootiness – alright, let’s be honest – downright resentment amongst authors when a celebrity announces that they’re taking up writing. Especially when there’s a question mark over whether they’ve actually written the book with their name on the front. 

But some celebs are simply so good with words that their writing is a pleasure to read. You’ve probably heard or seen Jeremy Vine on Radio 2 or Channel 5; Stig Abell on Times Radio; or the reverend Richard Coles all over TV, Radio 4 and the I’m A Celeb jungle. Now you can read them too. And it turns out that their verbal dexterity is perfect preparation for the twists of crime fiction. (Quiet at the back please – the reverend Richard Coles’s footwork on Strictly Come Dancing was not a crime.) 

Chiltern Kills is also where authors launch new books and series – like my own Murder in Moonlit Square, the first in my new Irish Indian cosy crime series set in Delhi. Tony Kent (my festival co-founder) will be taking on the legacy of festival patron, the late great Frederick Forsyth, with their co-written thriller, The Revenge of Odessa. And Vaseem Khan will unveil his official James Bond spinoff, Quantum of Menace, with Q at its centre. 

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And there’s something special about author Teri Terry, who’ll be launching her psychological thriller, The Stalker, at Chiltern Kills. Teri paid a little bit extra for her festival ticket last year for a one-to-one Meet the Agent ticket. As a result she secured both an agent and a four-book publishing deal. How often does that happen at a normal literary festival? This year she’ll be on stage. So if you have a book in you, make an appointment with agents Nicky Lovick or Jemma McDonagh, and next year… it could be you. 

But there’s no us and them at Chiltern Kills. Crime writers are not precious. There’s no sneaking off to skulk in the green room. Everyone mingles, authors and audience. You’ll even find the likes of Helen Fields, Olivia Kiernan and Graham Bartlett pulling pints behind the bar at the festival’s WhoDunHim Inn run by Windsor and Eton brewery. 

All Chiltern Kills ticket money goes to Big Issue and Centrepoint to combat homelessness. Crime authors appreciate how important having a home is to be able to write, and how devastating it is to be without one. That’s why they all pay their own way to the event and appear for no fee. Behind all their fictional stabbing, shooting, throttling and decapitation, they’re not such a bad bunch. 

But with no ticket money to fund the event, it’s thanks to sponsors like Caudwell, Cunningham Building Services, Oakwood, Vaaroom Motorhome Hire, Coyle Equipment Services, Ewing Law and Quantaco climate tech that the show can go on. And also Sacla’ UK. So if you find some pesto with the free books in your festival tote bag, you’ll know where it came from. 

Despite immersing themselves in fictional hatred and backstabbing, crime writers are refreshingly collegiate. But once it gets dark, the knives really come out, at the legendary Chiltern Kills How to Murder a Song karaoke. It’s run by two of the UK’s most popular authors, Mark Edwards and Ed James. The highlight of my writing career so far has been last year when Susie Doherty and I got Sir Ian Rankin and the rest of Chiltern Kills up dancing to our ‘unique’ rendition of “Time Warp”. Anyone can compete for the coveted microphone-gun trophy. It’s never a writer who wins. Though this year ex-Communard Richard Coles may be a contender. 

Authors are always asked: Where do you get your ideas? We tend to confess to having dark and vivid imaginations. But at least one of this year’s Chiltern Kills writers has actually done the crime – and the time. 

Which one? Come and find out. 

Murder in Moonlit Square by Paul Waters is out on 2 October (Bedford Square, £20). You can buy it from the Big Issue shop on bookshop.org, which helps to support Big Issue and independent bookshops.

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