Darren McGarvey: 'If I were prime minister I'd be pranking Tommy Robinson on the phone'

Darren ‘Loki’ McGarvey is a rapper, author and social commentator but what what would happen if he was to take over as prime minister for the afternoon?

McGarvey is the latest to take on our PM for the PM challenge. Here are the changes he would bring if he led 10 Downing Street.

If you suddenly found yourself in high office, what’s the first thing you’d want to fix?

The most glaring problem in the UK is class inequality. Our 20th-century education system, which favours those from more affluent postcodes, requires an overhaul. Lottery-based system, rich kids and poor kids being educated together. One teacher working with a single cohort of children over successive years. No ‘sir’, or ‘miss’ – just first-name terms. Do away with uniforms. Free meals, prepared fresh on site, for every child, to drive positive health outcomes. Schools are for learning, not for being constantly reminded of your place in a pecking order.

What was the big political issue you remember from your youth?

The anti-poll-tax movement was the big national issue when I was a young child. Anger at the unfairness of that proposal mobilised ordinary people like few political issues do. My granny was heavily involved in Glasgow, carrying on a proud tradition of working-class women participating and leading grassroots resistance.

What would your leadership style be? 

Firm but fair. Ordinary people don’t judge you based solely on your views, but also on how you carry your message. Someone may be politically astute while also widely regarded as a massive bellend. Burnham’s had a strong start, and I suspect many politicians envy his ease in front of the camera.

Who would you call on the red telephone that could connect you with anyone? 

I’d be pranking Tommy Robinson. Ringing him up and breathing heavily down the line before whispering, “requiem”, and hanging up – five times a day. 

Who would you award a knighthood/damehood to?

Those most deserving of the honour are those who politely decline.

Kemi Badenoch has just called you a failing leader at the dispatch box. What zinger do you fire back?

It depends on what she said. Not every zinger warrants rebuttal – that makes you look thin-skinned. If someone zings me and the joke is rooted in the truth, I’m happy to laugh at myself. Whether Kemi could make contact with the truth, however, is another thing entirely.

Read more:

• Darren McGarvey: ‘Austerity was class war. I want to hit back’
• The Social Distance Between Us review: Darren McGarvey exposes faultline between haves and have-nots
• Adeel Akhtar: ‘If I were prime minister I’d find all the shouting a bit stressful’

What’s your big idea to save the world?

Universal Basic Services. Rather than UBI (which in the current economy would just see wealth accumulate upstream even more), free travel and childcare would see an immediate benefit to people’s lives. The truth is, much of the world is doing OK – the UK is a total basket-case. In Amsterdam, they’ve installed little stairs so that cats who’ve fallen in the water can climb out of canals. In Finland, they have self-cleaning gender-neutral public toilets which also provide safe needle disposal for substance misusers. In the UK – where angry motorists listening to Jeremy Kyle on Talk Radio four hours a day tend to dictate what is and isn’t politically possible – we’d use the canals as landfill, tarmac over them and repurpose the public toilets into tiny 24-hour automated casinos.

How would you reach across the political divide?

With the humility to know the best ideas often arise through discussion, debate and consensus and that a more long-term approach to the UK’s deep structural problems will require political collaboration. 

How would you encourage people to become more engaged in politics?

We get the leaders we deserve.

If answering these questions has convinced you to stand for election, what are your qualifications for the job? What’s your slogan?

I’m as qualified for the job as anyone else. My slogan: Protect Your Neck.

Trauma Industrial Complex by Darren McGarvey is out now in paperback (Penguin Books, £12.99). You can buy it from the Big Issue shop on bookshop.org, which helps to support Big Issue and independent bookshops.

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