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SpongeBob SquarePants: "Nobody said it was easy being this square"

In his first ever UK interview, SpongeBob SquarePants tells The Big Issue about his life in Bikini Bottom...

In a typical week, my routine takes me to the Krusty Krab, the Barg’n’Mart, Jellyfish Fields and back home again! So you could say my routine looks like a rhombus, if you were looking at it from overhead.

If it were up to me, I’d never finish my shift at the Krusty Krab! I work as many days as my boss, Mr. Krabs, will let me. I have a great boss. Sometimes he even lets me work extra hours for free! Though he did say I’m not supposed to talk about that. Whoops! Other than the grease fire in the kitchen, the astronaut that visited our dining room, the nematode invasion in our storeroom and Squidward’s odd growth that kind of looked like a second head, I can’t remember much of anything interesting happening lately… oh well, there’s always next week.

I like to eat Krabby Patties! Not to boast, but I do think I’m a very good cook… of Krabby Patties! I do not cook every day, but when I do, I prefer to cook Krabby Patties.

When I’m not at work, nothing is more fun than going jellyfishing with my friend Patrick! Actually come to think of it, surfing Sand Mountain with Sandy is a lot of fun too… and I greatly enjoy singing songs to my neighbor Squidward… and playing volleyball at Mussel Beach, and going to Boating School, and visiting Rock Bottom and skydiving and jigsaw puzzles! Do I have to choose just one?! PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME CHOOSE JUST ONE!!!

Nobody said it was easy being this square. In order to maintain my spongy shape, I must follow a strict exercise regimen of unicycling, weightlifting and karate. Did you know I can bench press almost two stuffed animals now? I know, I make it look hard – but that’s only because it is. My beauty regimen involves a great deal of wringing. A sponge must be wrung right to look his best. I am interested in fashion, but unfortunately they don’t make very much in my shape.

When I have a few clams to spare, I like to get the best jellyfishing equipment that money can buy. But I’ll probably never afford that tungsten carbide triple jellyfish net. Santa Claus, if you’re listening, is there any chance we could go halfsies on that?

I like to conjugate verbs! That may not sound like a big part of my week, but you’d be surprised how long it takes some verbs to conjugate.

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