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We scoured the web for the world's weirdest royal wedding merchandise

Condoms! Ed Sheeran! Sausages! Everything you need for a royal knees up

The bunting has been bunted, the Union Jack trousers pressed and crusts are being cut off sandwiches up and down the country. Ahh – royal wedding fever has hit the country and with it, an array for weird and wonderful, but mostly weird, souvenir tat to commemorate two people we’ve never met tying the knot. Lovely.

If all the love that’s in the air is getting you in the mood but you’re also a big fan of practising safe sex (it’s important kids!) why not snap up a set of Crown Jewels condoms? Delightfully described as: “A sumptuous new condom honouring the wedding of Prince Harry to Ms Meghan Markle”.

condoms

For the bargain price of £10 the ‘artisan-style’ condoms are presented in a souvenir case, which treats you to a musical rendition of God Save the Queen and The Star Spangled Banner. How wonderfully patriotic.

Ed Shereen, the messiah to terrible buskers everywhere. Prince Harry, ginger, sixth in line to the throne. Easily confused if you ask us. What could have been the wedding of the year is but a delightful misprint on this tremendous plate and track three on Ed Sheeran’s next album.

Edsheeran
Ed silently weeps in his little Lego House while Meghan storms Windsor Castle

If you need something to plop onto your royal plate (Ed or Harry, we won’t judge) why not opt for one of Heck’s ‘majestic sausages’ – perfect for a street party, a BBQ, maybe to fling at a seagull [note: we don’t condone throwing sausages at seagulls]. Heck say “as a nod to Meghan’s American background and Harry’s fiery red locks, we’ve married lean British pork shoulder with American Mustard and Sweet Ginger.” There’s no word yet on the likelihood of sausage butties after the ceremony.

hecksausages

If the royal wedding doesn’t already leave a bad taste in your mouth, this cereal probably will. Grab your Harry and Meghan’s Wedding Rings Commemorative Breakfast Cereal (there’s only 1000 out there!). We all know a healthy breakfast is the best start to the day and since its BYOP (Bring Your Own Picnic) in Windsor you best fill your bellies in the morning and with 50 per cent of the profits from PolitcalCereals going towards setting up breakfast clubs in homeless shelters feel a little bit proud of your part in helping to end the poverty cycle.

cereal
Comes with FREE Harry and Meghan Masks too!

And what collection of royal memorabilia would be complete without the obligatory tea towel? At The Big Issue we’ve put a slightly different spin on things.

We asked four of our Street Art contributors to create their own tribute to the happy couple. For every one sold, the artists will receive at least half of the proceeds.

jo-teatowel
Perfect for mopping up spilt Prosecco or wiping away tears

Collect them all and shop The Big Issue royal wedding collection here!

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For over 30 years, the Big Issue has been committed to ending poverty in the UK. In 2024, our work is needed more than ever. Find out how you can support the Big Issue today.
Vendor martin Hawes

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