Everyone has got the right hump in January, haven’t they? You’ve probably seen them, those angry, tired, miserable bastards. Beeping their horns in traffic and gesticulating violently out of their windows. And then there’s the passive aggressive ones – they’re even worse. Looking right through you when you try to offer them a smile. Pretending they don’t know you’re there as you wait patiently for them to move out of your way in the jams and spreads aisle at Tesco’s.
Perhaps you are one of these moody arseholes. I know I am. We all are, sometimes. It’s the time of year: no sunlight, no money, no fun. Many people are trying Dry January which – from my experience – will feel frustrating and dull for the first few weeks, before your mood brightens and all of your energy returns.
Personally, I’m off the sugar, the pasta and the bread. And yes, that’s as dismal as it sounds. I spend my days shuffling between office and gym, stomach rumbling and joints aching. I don’t know what I hate most about myself: the flab around my waist or the predictability of my resolutions.
Anyway, don’t worry about me. I’ll get through it. I’ll either grind these bleak months out with a gritty determination that will see me slim, energised and gleeful come spring. Or I’ll give up, start scoffing crisps and Snickers again and my personality will, on the surface at least, return to its usual state of loveable cheekiness.
- The annoyingly simple way to make your New Year’s resolutions stick, explained
- Experts share the tips you need to successfully complete Dry January
All I’m saying is, you should be careful. Because when the whole country has got the hump, danger lurks everywhere. We are a moody nation as it is. We’re not like those Americans with their bright white perma-smiles and deranged sense of optimism. Or the Scandis with their irritatingly measured air of intelligent contentment – like a nation of modestly successful architects.
Even the French, as grumpy as they seem, have their philosophy to fall back on. When it’s cold and rainy, they’ve sworn off the foie-gras for January and had to pay a massive tax bill, the Frenchman takes solace in his smug conviction that life is all an illusion.