As a single mum to three children, the two-child benefit cap reminds me that society judges me

Campaigning against the two-child benefit cap reminds me how society really sees me as a single mum to three young boys. 

The policy – which prevents almost all parents on a low-income claiming the child element of universal credit or child tax credits for their third or subsequent child – impacts a shocking 1.6 million children. It also contributes to almost half of all larger families in the UK living in poverty. 

As the founder of the campaign group Single Parent Rights, I’ve had the privilege of supporting women to share their stories on how this policy impacts them. Yet when I post the published articles online, I brace myself for the comments that follow.

• This is the harsh reality of the two-child benefit cap for families: ‘It’s like wearing a scarlet letter’
• Scrap two-child benefit cap to end child poverty, Labour told: ‘Good intentions are not enough’

These stories of strong, independent, loving mothers struggling to make ends meet aren’t always met with the compassion they deserve. Retorts of, “so why did she have more kids?” pack a personal punch for me.

It’s a sentiment I heard in the words (and silence) of friends when I announced my third pregnancy. And one I saw in the looks across the dinner table as I told my family I was expecting – again. Now, as I speak with presenters and journalists through my work, I can almost hear the “so why did you have more kids?” oozing from their questions. 

In an attempt to keep my head down, I stick to the facts. It’s estimated that the two-child benefit cap would lift 300,000 children out of poverty immediately. And a further 700,000 children out of “less deep” poverty. This represents an unprecedented opportunity to turn around the lives of hundreds of thousands of children in the blink of an eye. 

Yet what I don’t mention is how it feels to know I’m considered part of the problem. As a woman I must justify my personal life choices. As a single woman there’s no acceptable answer. Implicit in every discussion around this hideous policy is a belief that my beautiful baby boy shouldn’t exist, because at its very core this policy was designed to prevent women like me having more babies.

According to some, I’m the worst of the worst. Even divorce didn’t stop me. After becoming a single mum to a baby, I – very deliberately – added two more children to my family with the help of fertility treatment and a sperm donor. Despite the path I took being less common, the truth is that, even when a man is directly involved, it’s the woman who is judged for staying to raise the children. 

The two-child benefit cap doesn’t just leave larger families struggling financially, it gives the public ammunition to judge away, creating a breeding ground for stigma. I feel that judgement everywhere I go, especially on overcrowded buses. As my shopping bags burst their seams, and my kids explode with emotions, I feel the tension in me rise. The stigma does its job though; I keep quiet. I must prove to everyone I can do this alone. 

As a single woman I’ve really pushed my luck. Women’s lib might have given us property rights, bank accounts and paid work, but our wombs and what we do with them? Well, they aren’t quite ours just yet, unless you’re stacked to the eyeballs in cash and can guarantee never to fall from grace.   

In a man’s world, the least a woman can do is gain approval from one. But the truth is, me and my kids are unlikely to ever experience the social acceptance and financial success that can stem from partnering up with someone solvent. Does that make us worth(-)less?

Even if I’m at fault, what of the vast majority of mums who are affected by this policy who had far less choice than me? Are they supposedly still to blame for their predicament? 

I’m grateful every day I live in an age when science and freedoms have allowed me to expand my family. My youngest is the glue that holds us all together, without him we’d be a lot poorer even though there’d be more cash to spend. 

Over time, the stigma has sidelined me; forcing me onto the back foot constantly having to demonstrate my own, and my children’s, worth. But it turns out, the sidelines are the perfect place to fight from.

And so, I will continue to fight for women to have genuine choice when it comes to family size without fear of judgement or financial damnation – regardless of their relationship status, their economic might, or their personal background.

I will fight so that women can afford to leave a relationship regardless of the number of children they have. And, ultimately, I will fight until this cruel two-child benefit cap is scrapped and single parent families of all sizes are supported to thrive, and not merely just survive.

Ruth Talbot is the founder of campaign group Single Parent Rights.

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